Blinding Sun, REVAMPED!
by Ode2Joy
Summary: People from LOTR advertising the weird and wonderful. Only one chapter up, completely new material! Frodo advertises Howling Screamer, the newest accessory for any car!


Disclaimer: I own nothing, not Frodo, not Sam, not the song "Fighter", and I don't wish any bodily harm to George W. Bush. The name of the product in question is pirated from the movie _Treasure Planet_. "Doctor, with the greatest possible respect, zip your howling screamer."

Note (to people who have read my commercials before): Jeebus Cripes, I've tried my hand at it again. The format of the commercial is a bit different, as it has been clarified that script format is no longer accepted. I don't think it flows as well when I have to use normal dialogue, so I don't expect to update this regularly. Thanks to my dear friend Moogle Mage for helping me develop this product. I could have used real people in place of Frodo and Sam, but I think it's funnier if they're the one's "testing" the product. In this case anyway.

As for NEWCOMERS, don't worry about having read the previous commercials (they were banned because I wrote it like a script). They're all independent from each other. Enjoy the insanity and PLEASE REVIEW!

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Frodo steps gracefully into view of the camera. He folds his hands behind his back. "Well, dear friends, it has been nearly four months since our last encounter. I come to you today to give you a new product and the first commercial from the SFTPORB since April. Allow me to introduce the Howling Screamer!"

Frodo makes a gesturing motion with his arms and the velvet curtain behind him lifts, revealing that he is in a parking lot. Frodo steps toward a gigantic SUV and speaks to the camera, "Are you tired with the generic 'BEEP' your horn makes whenever an idiot driver cuts you off? Are the 'special' beeps, like 'La Cucaracha' just not cutting it? Well, we have a new, exciting and unique sound for you all to hear!"

As Frodo comes closer to the car, we see that Sam is tied to a pole on the roof. The top of the pole is about 2 feet above his head. At a ninety-degree angle on a hinge, another pole reaches out over Sam. From this pole a boot hangs. A wire holds this hinged pole upright. The wire leads into the driver's seat in the car and is connected to the horn. This mechanism is designed to swing down and have the boot hit Sam when a lever is released.

Sam looks at Frodo nervously, "Are you sure this is safe, Mr. Frodo?"

Frodo tilts his head to smile brightly, "Of course I am, Sam! And don't show weakness in front of all these lovely people! We don't want them to think you're a sissy, do we?" He points to the camera.

Frodo turns back to the camera, "Join me now for a drive, won't you?"

Frodo climbs into the cockpit of the car and starts the engine. A camera is mounted on the roof so we can see Sam. Another camera is in the dashboard of the car. "To the highway!" Frodo screams, raising his hand triumphantly.

Soon enough, Frodo's SUV is going excess of seventy miles per hour. He's got the radio going and is singing along, "'Cause it makes me that much stronger, makes me work a little bit harder. It makes me that much wiser, so thanks for making me a FIGHTER!" Frodo giggles, "Ahh, Christina, you are so misunderstood."

Suddenly, a soccer mom cuts Frodo off. His face contorts in anger, "ASSHOLE!" he screams and slams his fist on the horn. This sets the Howling Screamer. The wire hold up the boot on the pole on the roof, formerly taught, is released, allowing the pole with the boot to swing toward Sam at an alarming speed. It nails him right in the groin.

Sam's eyes bug out of his skull and his knees collapse. He's only still upright due to the fact that he's tied up. He's breath explodes out of him in a high pitched wail. The windows off the soccer mom's car shatter.

Frodo laughs, "Now, my friends, that wail is what the Howling Screamer can do for you! Be one of the first to alert people that they're driving like idiots with the high pitched scream of a man in pain!"

Sam gathers himself briefly and wheezes, "Thanks Frodo! Thanks Howling Screamer!" One of his bound hands gives a thumbs up.

The picture cuts back to the moment the boot makes contact with Sam's groin. A voiceover begins, "The Howling Screamer is illegal in the 48 continental states due to people trying to hook George W. Bush up to it."


End file.
